A Life of Miracles
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I should like to start this story at the beginning, however I haven't got the slightest idea where that would be. I suppose it's like the argument over when life begins. At the earliest most say at the moment of conception but it might be at the moment that your parents fell in love or at the moment that their parents fell in love and so on.
For sure if the actions of my parents had not occurred in exactly the way they did I would not be here writing this at this time. Now, because of what continually happens, it seems very important to record some of the events in my life over the last few years. Seemingly simple occurrences in my life have been anything but that.
Life has a different meaning at this point. I realize how trite that might sound, but it is true. I now have a great faith that everything is going to be all right, a sense of peace that feels wonderful. More important, a knowledge of being lead in a way that, I want to say, is mysterious. At this point in my life with what I have come to believe, or should I say know, I only find it natural for events to work the way they do.
I'll start with being in Chicago Il. in September of 1991 at my cousin's home. I am sure that I could have started at a point before this and events prior to this most certainly are of great importance to what happened. However, as I say, you have to start somewhere. September 1991 found me without a job, without a home, and in the middle of a divorce after 20 years of marriage. After several days of driving aimlessly, a route that I can only partially put back together by gas receipts, I found myself on my cousin's doorstep. We talked for hours about my situation, as one might expect one to do when his life is in crisis. That Sunday they asked me if I wanted to go to church with them. I had been to their church once before for their wedding and at that time I thought it was a very weird church. Having nothing else to do, and the fact we were going out to breakfast after the service, I
said, "Why not" and I went with them to the
"Church of Love and
Laughter" in Chicago.
The Seed
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The minister,
Mike Matoin, spoke about people wanting to live long lives and trying to do
things that would prolong their life such as exercising and eating right. After
he had given examples of what we try to do to live longer he stated "You
have absolutely no control over the length of your life but you have absolute
control over the width and depth of your life". Somehow that hit home with
me. I don't know why but it did. It seems we all want to live a long time
however it is more important how we live. He went on to say if you looked-for
and paid attention there were signs that would help you. And he spoke of a
LOVING God that wanted you to be happy. A concept that I had not heard before, I
didn't say that no one ever said it before I said I never heard it. Richard,
Susan, and I talked about God ,life, messages, and how it all went together and I
must confess that I couldn't really put much together but at least they had
planted a seed.
The Trip
The following week I decided to drive to Anchorage to see some friends that had moved there from Michigan. I set out to drive the Alaska Highway, a dream that I had always had in the back of my head. As I drove I seemed to find some calm even though nothing of the divorce or the disposition of the property had been settled. I can remember stopping in Saskatchewan and as far as I could see there was nothing but golden grain in all directions. Appreciating the immensity of it all and really looking at something and seeing it in some different way. It was as if I was somewhere in my brain that I had never been before. I drove on and thought about my life, problems, the way I thought things ought to be, and I noticed a strange (at that time) phenomenon. It seemed that with increasing frequency when I asked a question something or someone would answer it. I cannot relate all the questions and answers as I don't remember them all. However on my forth or fifth night on the road I stopped at the Watson Lake Lodge in Watson lake Yukon for the evening. After getting a room I went to the restaurant for dinner and a strange feeling came over me as I sat down at a table by myself to eat dinner. It was as if the whole restaurant, about eight people, was glad to see me. Rather as if I had come home for Christmas in the middle of Christmas dinner and I was immediately part of the conversation. A feeling of genuine warmth. We all talked with each other as if we were family, all strangers a long way from anywhere. I left the restaurant with a wonderful feeling and went back to my room, got in bed and remember saying "God what am I going to do with the rest of my life". I turned on the TV just as the announcer said "tonight's movie is "I love you Alice B. Toklas"". If you haven't seen the movie its about a rich, successful lawyer that falls in love and becomes a hippie. To someone else I suppose that this might seem trivial but to me it was apparently an answer to the question, anyway I laughed myself to sleep. The next morning was a little more serious. I looked at the thousands of road signs from all over the world that border the main street of Watson Lake. People bring signs to Watson Lake and the town has thousands of them from all over the world, on poles as you leave town. Little did I know that this day was to be one of the most important days of my life.
The Voice
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I continued my drive unaware that this day would be one of the most important days of my life. While driving I remember asking many questions and again seemingly getting the answers as soon as the questions were asked. I received an answer to what I was thinking about and consciously tried to shrug off what I was experiencing as too strange. No way can this be real . As I said this I became aware of a presence in my car, not something that I could see but something I could very much feel. Like being in a dark room but you know someone else is there. I felt a sense of being shaken ,and in a friendly yet scolding manner I heard a voice ,not the constant friendly voice that I can hear today, that I know I hear in my mind, but a loud terse voice that was audible from outside myself, say " I'M TALKING TO YOU...ASSHOLE". When I have told people of this happening some say I should eliminate the reference to the anatomy. I have considered this however I think it proper to quote what I heard exactly. I think God just wanted to make sure I knew it was me he was talking to. Needless to say I was stunned and I think I said something like "OK I'll listen" and that was it for a while. Then while I drove my mind seemed to go through what I can only describe as a transformation . I felt-saw-heard-experienced or none of that, such wonderful thoughts as to be indescribable as if you had all the pieces all the time but you never saw them assembled in this manner and it was beautiful no sound no sight just beautiful.
Knowledge
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I would
suppose you would like to have me to say "and from that day forth
everything has been wonderful and with God I have had nothing but joy and I
feel no temptation for the things that controlled my life in the past. SORRY
I can't do that but I can say that the joy I feel at times more than makes
up for any problems that may befall me.
The knowledge that there is a God that loves me unconditionally and wants
the best for me
and is willing to show me the way
and still lets me choose whether to follow
and still loves me when I don't
and waits patiently for me to see the right way
and always welcomes me back no matter where I've been
and never says " I told you so"
and instills a faith that all will be all right
and promises to provide all my needs
and answers all my questions
and talks to me
gives me the strength to overcome the old temptations and makes my life more
joyous in doing so.
An Indian With A Message
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On my
return trip from Alaska I awoke one morning very depressed. Just one of
those mornings when you awake and for some reason you have something on your
mind that just won't go away. That was my experience this particular
morning. My daughter in law, a very determined person, was involving herself
in my divorce. For what I perceived to be her personal reasons was steering
my ex-wife. It was my feeling that things would go much smoother without her
involvement and I awoke dwelling on this topic. As I drove through some of
the most beautiful land in the world that morning I continued to dwell on
this topic. I did not realize yet that dwelling on a topic that I can do
nothing about at the moment only ruins the moment and the Cassier Highway
through northern British Columbia in not something to be ruined . I stopped
for lunch at a tiny diner in northern British Columbia that can only be
described as something from a Robert Service poem. A worn bare wood floor and
booths that were only a little better . The Formica had been washed to the
point that most of the pattern that once was there had long disappeared and
the yellow-white base coat was now the decor of the booth. This booth was
positioned by a window that overlooked the board sidewalk and the dirt
parking lot. I ordered my lunch and continued to mull over the situation
with my daughter in law. In my frustration I said "God what can I do
about my daughter in law". As soon as the words were out of my mouth, a
pickup truck pulled into the parking place directly in front of the window
by my booth. It was a large truck with oversize tires and an big Indian man
got out of the truck and came into the restaurant. Across the front of the
pickup was a slogan that read
FOR OLD AGE AND TREACHERY".
The Hotel
(ask and you shall receive)
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My divorce was finalized and I was looking for something to do. I decided to get a real estate license and went to work for a business broker in Traverse City Mi. One day John ,a fellow salesman, asked me if I would like to go for a ride to look at a hotel he had just listed in St. Ignace Mi. Since motels had been my life's work for the last 20 years and I was bored I agreed to go with him. We drove to St. Ignace on a very cold day in January 1992 , got the key from the owner, and proceeded to look at the hotel . It was old and very run down but had a charm that still lingered . As we walked through the hotel with our flashlights and frozen fingers both of us started talking about what could be done with the place , putting together a sales pitch that we could use on prospective buyers. We had lunch and started back home continuing our discussion about the possibilities of the hotel and both getting quite excited. As I got out of Johns car at our office I said to John " I would buy it myself if I only had a down payment" . He laughed and went home and I went home to my apartment. When I got home I opened my mailbox and took the mail upstairs to read . There was a letter from a man I had sold a house to years ago . We usually had no contact as the payments automatically went into a bank account. I opened the letter and read "I'm rearranging my finances so I will be paying off the land contract on the house". I sat there amazed, here was another miracle, Less than an hour ago I said I would buy the hotel if I had a down payment and here it was. Needless to say I bought the hotel. It needed a lot more work than I had figured but it is all getting done.
Everything I Need
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One Sunday after the service at church I was telling some friends in the fellowship hall about purchasing the hotel. One of the church members, who was out of work, asked me if I needed a painter . I hired her on the spot and both of us went to work on the project. Then the maintenance man, from the motel I owned before the divorce, called and said he had been fired, so I hired him. We were trying to get the hotel ready for the summer season and money was running low. I decided to cash in my life insurance policy . My agent informed me that the cash value was about $10,000.00. I started budgeting what I could do with that amount of money and it was going to be very tight. I started cutting some of the work out of the plan. A few days later, I went to the post office and the check from the insurance company was there along with another check from a group that wanted to rent the whole hotel for a weekend. The insurance check was over $16,000.00 and with the extra money, life was a lot easier. I was so delighted that I ran up to the third floor where the painter and the maintenance man were working to tell them the good news. I was on my way back downstairs to the lobby and standing atop the grand staircase. I said, with great joy, "Why Me, God?". I heard God's voice out loud once again, the same voice that I heard in Alaska, and in a very friendly tone God said, "BECAUSE I LIKE YOU". These are the only two times I have heard his voice in this manner. However, he still talks to me in whispers that I can hear. Maybe I'll hear that big voice again but if not, I will be overjoyed to listen to the "still small voice" and watch for his signs.
Lanie
I had dated
several women since the divorce. One lady that I met in church in Traverse
City Mi. ,while on
her vacation, stopped in at the hotel the first year that I was open. She rented a room, we talked for several hours in the lobby,
we toured the hotel and she went on her way.
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A year later I noticed her name
in the registration book from the previous year. I called her and asked if
she would like to come up again. She did. We started dating and I found her
to be the most wonderful warm understanding person I have ever met. One day
at the mall I walked past the jewelry counter and the voice said "Marry
Lanie". I continued on my way and heard the same message again
"Marry Lanie". Needless to say, I have found life to be much
better if I listen and obey. I bought a ring and that night Lanie agreed to
be my wife. It had been almost three years since the voice in Alaska and
much has happened in my life. There has been joy and sorrow and pain and
ecstasy. I've learned that that is what life is all about. God led me to a
wonderful woman, Lanie, that I married on April first 1994 and she has been
the best soulmate that I could ask for. At times we both see the miracles at
the same time. Lanie, for me, is proof of the wonder of God.
If God were a
JUST GOD, I would probably not be here to write this.
If God were a MERCIFUL
GOD, I would live in peace, forgiven.
But because God is A LOVING GOD, I
have Lanie and a life of miracles.
Charlotte
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Lanie and I
were married by Rev. Charlotte Carter on April 1 1994 at the Unity
Church of
Traverse City. Charlotte taught me much about spirituality although I didn't
know how much at the time. I don't think we liked each other very much at
first. We seemed to argue about God and the meaning of life. Charlotte had a
different sense of humor to say the least. She was always saying to me
"is that a joke". Charlotte was very learned and spiritual in a
more mystical way than myself. She would talk of dreams and mutations and
quiet moments of reflection. I believe things to be simpler. God just says
what he has to say usually very clearly. But as time went on we became
closer and a mutual respect and understanding of each other grew to be a
genuine love of each other as unique creations of God.
At one of our Wednesday night study groups Charlotte passed out papers
titled "The Attributes of God" and then announced that it would be
impossible for any human to understand the attributes of God. So I Said,
"then that pretty much covers it" and tore up my paper. Charlotte
replied, "I guess it does" and tore up her paper.
Lanie and Charlotte always had a relationship that was to be envied. Genuine
friendship and love . When I told Charlotte that Lanie and I were getting
married she said " you are a very lucky man". When Lanie told her
she replied, "Have you lost your mind". So from this beginning the
three of us developed a friendship that Lanie and I miss very much with her
passing on February 6, 1996. During her illness we were able to talk and
understand her and feel very close. She was in remission and writing lessons
for Unity Sunday schools at Unity Village in Kansas City Mo. a work that she
had always wanted to do.
Questions
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Lanie and I have a wonderful life . The hotel is somewhat seasonal, the income is adequate and while there is a lot of work there is also a lot of free time. We were discussing our situation and wondering if there was more that we should be doing. I mentioned that possibly I should go into the ministry . Lanie, having been on the board of the church in Traverse City, said that it was not all a bed of roses and there was much that goes on that is not always visible to the congregation. I talked to the local minister and was told to think carefully about this step for the same reasons. One day early in 1996, I was walking in the hall when I heard a message "You almost have everything you need". I told Lanie and she replied " let's go slowly we are going to a retreat at Unity Village so this might be a start.
Answers
Lanie and I had signed up for a retreat at Unity Village and were to spend
some time with Charlotte Carter before the classes started . We had just
finished our plans when we got a call from a friend of Charlotte's in Kansas
City that Charlotte was in the hospital and not expected to live. Within a
week she was gone. Since Lanie and I were to be at Unity Village in the next
two weeks we said we would return her ashes to Traverse City. We arrived at
Unity Village and Charlotte's ashes were delivered to us the first day of
our stay. So we placed the container on the dresser in our room. We found
ourselves talking to Charlotte from time to time as we went about our
business.
From time to time I relate portions of what I am writing to others and
receive a response that makes me think I am out of my mind. This is
understandable for I don't know if I would believe me. If I am out of my
mind commit me, but please promise not to cure me. At the retreat two
ministers said they heard God and I was understandably very relieved to know
there were others.
Then one evening the famous poet, James
Dillet Freeman related how God had dictated the poem -- "Do
you need Me? I am there"
- Do you need Me? I am
there.
- You cannot see Me, yet I am the light you see by
- You cannot hear Me, yet I speak through your voice.
- You cannot feel Me, Yet I am the power at work in your hands
- I am at work, though you do not understand My ways.
- I am at work, though you do not recognize My works
- I am not strange visions. I am not mysteries.
- Only in absolute stillness, beyond self,
- Can you know Me as I am,
- And then but as a feeling and a faith.
- Yet I am there. Yet I am here. Yet I answer.
- When you need Me, I am there.
- Even if you deny Me, I am there.
- Even when you feel most alone, I am there.
- Even in your fears, I am there.
- Even in your pain, I am there.
- I am there when you pray and when you do not pray
- Though your faith In Me is unsure,
- My faith in you never wavers,
- Because I know you, because I love you.
- Beloved I am there."
- You cannot see Me, yet I am the light you see by
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I was so moved that I could not go to the party that was being held directly after Mr. Freeman's program. I excused myself from the rest of the group and went to sit in the Peace Chapel. Sitting there I heard the still small voice in my head say "read the book". I just sat there and the voice repeated "read the book". In the Peace Chapel there are six chairs facing a wall painted like the sky with the words "peace be still". On a small table in front of this wall is a large Bible. I walked to the bible and read the first verse on the page that it was open to. The verse was Matthew 25-21 which reads,
"His
lord said unto him, well done Thou good and faithful servant:
thou has been faithful over a few things.
I will make thee ruler over many things:
enter thou into the joy of the lord."
I read this verse several times trying to digest what the message to me
might be.
When I regained my composure I joined my party and told Lanie to come and
read the verse. Later we discussed the meanings . It is apparent when you
are told well done that you are doing something correctly, and it is also
clear what enter into the joy of the lord must mean. However I was confused
by "I will make you ruler over many things". Could it mean that I
should be a minister ? I had no idea.
We
went to bed with Charlotte's ashes watching over us from her resting place
on the dresser. Charlotte put much stock in what she dreamed and spoke of
this often, citing the many dream references from the bible. To the best of
my recollection I had never had a spiritual message in a dream but that
night in a dream I was talking to God and that same verse was repeated by
God.
"His
lord said unto him, well done Thou good and faithful servant:
thou has been faithful over a few things.
I will make thee ruler over many things:
enter thou into the joy of the lord."
I said to God I don't understand the part about taking care of many things.
Then God repeated the verse.
"His
lord said unto him, well done Thou good and faithful servant:
thou has been faithful over a few things.
I will make thee ruler over many things:
enter thou into the joy of the lord."
and added
"That Indian never knew he delivered my message".
On May 13, 2002 we sold the hotel and moved to
a small farm near Hersey, Michigan.
This Page Updated
January 23, 2009